I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
