yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
