I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
