Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
