Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
