She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
