seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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