at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
