just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
