she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
