You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
