put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize