How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize