You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
