I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize