I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
