My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
