Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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