I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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