Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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