she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Your penis caused this!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
