I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
