my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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