In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
