Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
