Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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