I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Someone stole a lamp last night.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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