I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Randomize
