explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
