Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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