So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
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