All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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