Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
