My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
