Your face is a jimmy john
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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