Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
