I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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