he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
