The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
