At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize