Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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