Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
