So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
