I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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