Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
