I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm jealous of your bromance
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
