His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Randomize
