the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
