Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
