I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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