I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Randomize
