Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
