someone threw a dead crab at me
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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