Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
