bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
