My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
