You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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