I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
