man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
