Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
