but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
