She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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