i need an iv and a liver transplant
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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