I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize