I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
