Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
