my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
